An ad is an ad is an ad. Or is it?
We thought it might be fun to see how far we can take some of these tried-and-tested angles. Enjoy.
THE ASPIRATIONAL
Who are you to deny yourself to the world?
To hide your talents in the dark, when they deserve the limelight?
To wait in the wings, when you should take your rightful place — front and centrestage.
To leave your words unspoken, when they should be sung in a chorus, in reverent and passion-filled tones, from the lips of all around the world.
Destiny is calling. Pick it up, with my old guitar today.
THE CAUSE
Now is the time, more so than ever, for us to reject what separates us…
And remember what brings us together.
We can no longer sit back, when the moment demands we step forward.
We can no longer remain silent, when the world needs to be uplifted with song.
We can no longer make the mistake of doing nothing — when we can all make a difference, and make music, together.
Save the world and everyone in it by buying my old guitar today.
THE CELEBRITY
Hendrix. Clapton. Santana.
You.
They did it. Now, it’s your time.
Because you can be exactly like them, through brand and parasocial association.
Rise to rock godhood with my old guitar, today.
THE CLICKBAIT
MARK LEE SPOKE TOO MUCH AND NOW HE’S PAYING THE PRICE FOR…
THE NO. 1 SECRET GRAMMY-AWARD-WINNING MUSICIANS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW
THE MUST-SEE TECHNOLOGY THAT IS CHANGING THE WAY WE LISTEN
6 STUNNING STRINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU RETHINK EVERYTHING
[ CTA: BUY MY OLD GUITAR TODAY ]
THE CONVENIENCE
Why pay for Spotify or frit away data on YouTube, when you can now make your own music?
All that time wasted — loading up apps, scrolling through boring options, typing in the search bar, waiting for the buffering and minute-long pre-roll ads to be over — can now be spent listening to the sweet music your strings make, wherever you are, whenever you want!
Enjoy a lifetime of FREE, INSTANT and ON-THE-GO music for just the low, low price of buying my old guitar, today.
THE EGO
For all you’ve done, for all you’ve achieved, you deserve this.
This is more than a musical instrument — it is a testament to your success.
A monument to battles won and obstacles overcome.
A physical embodiment of your dreams, realised.
The undeniable proof that you have scaled the summit and conquered the mountain, and all that’s left is to plant your flag.
Because, baby, you’re worth it — so buy my old guitar, today.
THE EMOTIONAL
When you were young, Ma and Pa didn’t have much. But they had love. And they had each other. And they had you. And back during those dark nights (because your family couldn’t afford the electric bill), you would all huddle, together, for warmth and love, in the centre of your furnitureless floor, and play and sing together. And the dark would be just a little less dark, and morning would come just a little quicker. Reconnect with how things were, and how things could be again, by buying my old guitar, today.
THE EXCLUSIVITY
A one-of-a-kind find.
A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
A 1-of-1 exclusive of unparalleled provenance and unrivalled distinction.
Make this masterpiece of history, your legacy, and buy my old guitar, today.
THE FEAR
EVERYONE ELSE HAS ONE! WHY DON’T YOU HAVE ONE? ARE YOU POOR? ARE YOU STUPID? ARE YOU SOME KIND OF WEIRD FREAKISH LOSER THAT EVERYONE SECRETLY HATES AND LAUGHS AT WHEN YOU’RE NOT AROUND? GET IT! GET IT! GET IT NOW! BUY MY OLD GUITAR TODAY!
THE JINGLE
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šµThis is the chorus šµ
šµThis is the brand name and USP šµ
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šµThis is the chorus šµ
šµYou should buy my old guitar from me šµ
THE PROBLEM-SOLUTION
In social situations, like important boardroom meetings and intimate family gatherings, have you ever found yourself… guitarless? Now, you don’t have to live with empty hands anymore! Fill your instrumentless home and musicless life by buying my old guitar today!
THE PROMOTION
For a limited time, we are offering a NEVER-BEFORE-AND-NEVER-AFTER, ONCE-IN-A-MILLENIUM, LAST-UNIT-LEFT, ONE-SECOND-ONLY PROMOTION, with the BIGGEST AND BOLDEST PRICE CUTS OF 99.999% OFF! My old guitar (U.P. $1,000,000) can now be YOURS for JUST $10! GET IT NOW BEFORE THE PROMOTION ENDS IN 10, 9…
THE SEASONAL
Because this Mother’s Day, the greatest present is love, and Thanksgiving only comes once a year, we should all gather to usher in a prosperous Year Of The You, and light up possibilities this Deepavali as you Hari to buy my always-seasonally-appropriate old guitar. Merry Halloween!
THE SEX APPEAL
You’re not skinny enough, muscular enough, tall enough, young enough, desirable enough.
But with this, you can be.
Watch them drop jaws at the black trim of your pick guard, catch their breath at the supple roundness of your sound hole, bite their lips at the sexy sexiness of your tuning pegs.
Be the person who everyone wants to be, and wants to be with — the person with my old guitar.
THE SOCIAL PROOF
According to studies,
98% of people who own my old guitar have found love and belonging*,
99% of them have psychologically healthy levels of self-esteem**; and
100% of them have actualised their highest self***.
Fit in with the rest of society, and buy my old guitar today.
THE STORYTELLING
Ten years of my life. Ten years of love, trust, everything. And that bastard throws all of it away because he’s “found love, the real thing, nothing like what we had”. And it’s with his secretary! He’s a goddamned cliche. Who’s left me with nothing. Nothing, but a broken heart and broken dreams and a broken home and my room rental due in four days. Help me by buying my old guitar today.
THE TECH
6 INTUITIVELY RESPONSIVE STRINGS
6 INTELLIGENTLY OMNI-ADAPTABLE CAPSTANS
1 STATE-OF-THE-CUTTING-EDGE MACHINE
Featuring industry-disrupting vibration technology, this guitar features 6 acoustically balanced nylon-blend strings — each individually engineered for maximum plucking and strumming performance. Experience the latest in music-making innovation with my old guitar today.
THE VALUE
What do dreams cost? What price glory? What would you give to create beauty that you could call your own? For just the low, low price of $10, you can get infinitely more guitar in your life as you pick (pun intended) a universe of priceless possibilities. But wait. There’s more. Act now, and we’ll throw in an 18th way to sell your old guitar. And because we’re all about giving you a great deal, you’ve actually almost finished reading it, so buy my old guitar today.
* This is one asterisk. Below, are
** Two asterisks. And then, there’s
*** Three asterisks.
Eldon Ooi